A Word of Encouragement from Elizabeth Rice Handford
“I need self-validation*,” a woman said to her friend. “I’m going to confront my mother today.”
“What in the world is self-validation?” the friend asked naively.
Incredulous, the woman said, “You haven’t heard about self-validation? It’s trendy. You accept yourself. You don’t need other people’s approval. The way you think and feel and behave is good and right. You stop being hard on yourself and love yourself.”
“Sounds a little self-serving to me, like you’re trying to blame someone else for your troubles in life.”
“That’s because too often it is someone else’s fault. That’s why I’m going to confront my mother.”
She had that “self-validation” conversation with her mother, and of course it bewildered her mother and broke her heart. Of course her mother hadn’t always known what her little girl wanted from her. None of us mothers do. And the woman seeking validation had suffered sicknesses as a child, and she was often afraid—but that’s the consequence of being born human, and certainly not her mother’s fault. Sometimes the child’s friends were not always kind—but her mother’s childhood friends had not always been kind to her, either. And, truth to tell, the petulant woman seeking validation had sometimes been rebellious as a child. Her parents, sincere Christians and earnestly trying to prepare their daughter for a happy and successful life, had tried to discipline her wisely and lovingly.
Hebrews 12:9-11 tells us why we ought to be grateful for parents who disciplined us. “Since we respected our earthly fathers who disciplined us, shouldn’t we submit even more to the discipline of the Father of our spirits and live forever? For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in His holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening–it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.”
So it seems to me perhaps that trying to make us feel good about ourselves by blaming others isn’t really a good way to seek self-validation. Rather, we need to seek God’s assessment of our worth. And if we seek His will, His way, He will show us areas in our lives that need changing. He will give us the strength to make wise choices. Then we will receive His, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” The Apostle Paul said in First Corinthians 4:2-5 that he didn’t trust his own judgment about his actions, and certainly didn’t seek the approval of others. God’s approval was all he needed. And it is all you and I need, too.
There’s one wonderful and surprising antidote for all this confusion in Proverbs 17:9 (nlt):
Love prospers when a fault is forgiven,
But dwelling on it separates close friends.
All of us fail in our relationships with each other from time to time. Why shouldn’t we forgive each other and let it go? How many of our conflicts and misunderstandings could be healed if only we would forgive and forget the faults of those we love!
*Accounselingllc.com defines self-validation as “The practice of acknowledging and accepting your own feelings, thoughts, and experiences without needing external approval. It means giving yourself permission to feel what you feel and recognizing that those feelings are valid, even if others don’t agree or understand.”